NEWSFEED.ID, Jakarta — In this era, toxic relationships are still a hot topic of discussion, especially on social media. A toxic relationship is a situation where there is discomfort in a relationship that makes someone feel unappreciated, unsupported, or even demeaned. Many individuals share their toxic relationship experiences on social media such as a possessive partner, full control over themselves and even making their partner feel guilty about their own choices. Instead, the patriarchal attitude is often wrapped in claims of love and affection, so that the “love” given can exceed the limit and become pseudo.
Initially, the relationship was formed with the hope of being a space for understanding and discussion, with both learning to lower their egos and understand each other. However, over time the relationship often experienced tension due to disagreements about how they wanted to be treated. For example, when one of them always wants to be understood and the other only keep yielding. This is the stage that becomes the peak where the relationship feels draining and tense.
From a narrow perspective, a toxic relationship is not just focused on differences of opinion and arguments, but can also be seen in one partner’s behavior toward the other, such as controlling practices, manipulation, and twisting the truth. For example, “Gaslighting” , gaslighting is a situation where the victim can doubt their own feelings and choices. In this context, the perpetrator makes the victim feel a loss of self-confidence and is considered “overreacting” by the perpetrator, so the love that is hoped to be a comfortable place only ends up becoming a tool of power to subdue, and this is where the concept of patriarchy emerges.
If we look from a broader perspective, patriarchy develops in Indonesian culture in a complex way, which allows us to understand how male control can shape the way we view unequal relationships. Patriarchy not only focuses on personal control but also on domination that is often regarded as something normal in a relationship, so that one party is forced to accept it without much resistance and debate. As mentioned in Bell Hooks’ book (2004) “Patriarchy has no gender. It is a system that privileges domination, control, and power.” This book explains that men are not just individuals but are shaped by a culture of dominance that is forced to be considered normal and seen as a form of affection. This is often seen in partners who control their partner’s career, control their freedom of dress, or personal ambitions under the guise of “care” and “love.” In fact, love and affection can erode equality when one of them feels they have full control over their partner’s life.
In this situation, there are often many questions that cannot be avoided, such as why someone would continue to stay in a toxic relationship. The victim will always answer, “because of love” along with other social pressures like loneliness, fear of facing life, and other narratives about women symbolized as “good women” and “patient.” Moreover, many in society still blame the victim without considering the patriarchal systems that shape deviant norms, which in turn pushes women to choose to remain in toxic situations that must be regarded as a form of safety. Therefore, the concept of feminism emerges to open the world’s eyes, especially women, to see how women can view equality between men and women fairly.
The concept of feminism encourages women to think that they have individual rights over their bodies and life decisions without being judged or pressured by men. In this concept, equality cannot be built solely on love and affection, like patriarchal systems that control career choices, clothing styles, and social relationships. This is very dangerous if continuously normalized because it can make women lose their sense of identity, as mentioned earlier, that women choose to remain silent not because they are incapable, but because of a system that has lived and grown perpetually in society. Therefore, feminism opposes the notion that love must be given through dominance and unilateral control, but rather supports a healthy relationship that can grow together in a broad life.
In the end, a healthy relationship cannot be achieved through one-sided domination. It requires equal consideration of how women and men act in a relationship. Both parties must recognize personal boundaries to create an equitable relationship, and have the courage to take positive steps to leave a toxic relationship. Because love comes from a sense of safety and comfort, not restrictions that make someone lose themselves.
Author: Dea Suci M
